Divorce is a Developmental Opportunity
This article was originally published in Divorce Edition Magazine, Oct./Nov. 2007
“I just married the wrong person” is the wrong answer to the question of “what happened in your marriage?” It may be accurate in the sense that the two of you could never have become a good fit. This happens often enough but it is not helpful if what you want is to do better the next time. Divorce is a first rate opportunity to clean up our own psychological acts. As long as we choose the fiction that our marriages unraveled because of the other person’s shortcomings, another painful divorce is probable should we marry again. The divorce rate for second marriages is actually higher than for firsts so failing to take a good hard look at oneself can be self-defeating. If you have children, it might even be unfair. “Being entirely honest with oneself is a good exercise,” said Freud. It is also hard work. The good news is that people can make substantial changes in how they relate. As such, a second marriage can be better than the first partly because the fit is better but also as I hear it, “Marriage is not about finding the right person, it’s about being the right person.”
There is an appropriate time for undertaking this task and the first few months of post-divorce adjustment are probably not optimal. There is too much else to think about. Dealing with the initial shock, making necessary practical changes, setting up a new household, working out parenting or financial issues, helping children adjust, and beginning to grieve should come first. The exception is if you are already in the process of developing another relationship. In that case I would suggest being very cautious. A relationship waiting in the wings towards the end of a marriage or one quickly begun at that time is highly vulnerable. The intense, pent up need people have felt coupled with the reduced judgment available when so many other demands are being made by the divorce are stressful. Relationships used for anesthesia tend to be brief.
Where does one start? Pay attention to all those things you hated hearing from your former spouse, the ones repeated until you knew they were coming. You may have asked your friends about these, wondering if he/she might have had a legitimate point. Include reviewing past relationships and sort through the nasty bits for truths. Source of useful information are the friends and family members who know you best. Friends can be very intimate but they are not sharing your bed nor the responsibilities of running a household. Ask the ones who’ll speak objectively about how they saw you contribute to strife or dissatisfaction in the marriage. Ask sincerely and explain that your aim is to do better next time. They may be honored by your trust and might also have wanted to say something for years but been too polite.
Novels, movies, plays, television dramas and songs are also sources wherein you might spot the way you and your spouse related to one another. Talking with other divorced friends can be particularly useful. Venting is fine; just recognize it for what it is. Couples have reputations among other couples for how they treat each other, who’s respected or maligned, who strives to dominate, who avoids conflict and who foments it, who mistreats and who tolerates mistreatment or attacks in passive ways.
If you can do it, perhaps the best source of information about how you relate in a marriage is your former mate. This is tricky and depends upon the current state of things between you. If you believe you will be mistreated, mistreat them or recycle an old argument, don’t bother. Written communications are sometimes less passionate and they may have questions in return. The process of listening to each other in a new way while attempting to minimize judgment can be healing for both of you and be of great service to children if you have them. Whether or not you actually can have this kind of dialogue, treat your former mate with respect as you move along in the process.
Psychotherapy is also valuable for learning about oneself, dealing with old internal conflicts and with fears of starting again. None of us know whether we are repeating a pattern until a relationship is well along the way towards intimacy. We can try to be aware only to find we are precisely where we did not want to be again. Making a few meaningful discoveries can change the course of our lives.
