Divorce is a Developmental Opportunity

This article was originally published in Divorce Edition Magazine, Oct./Nov. 2007 “I just married the wrong person” is the wrong answer to the question of “what happened in your marriage?” It may be accurate in the sense that the two of you could never have become a good fit. This happens often enough but is not helpful if what you want is to do better the next time. Divorce is a first rate opportunity to clean up one’s own psychological act. As long as you choose the fiction that your marriage unraveled only because of the other person’s shortcomings, another painful divorce is likely should you marry again. The divorce rate for second marriages is actually higher than for firsts so failing to take a good hard look at oneself can be self-defeating. If you have children, it might even be unfair. “Being entirely honest with oneself is a good exercise,” said Freud. It is also hard work but a second marriage can be better than a first partly because the fit is better but also, as I hear it, “Marriage is not about finding the right person, it’s about being the right person.” There is an appropriate time for undertaking this task and the first few months of post-divorce adjustment may not be optimal. There is too much else to think about. Dealing with the initial shock, legal matters, changing up a household, working out parenting or financial issues, helping children adjust and grieving all require energy. The exception is if you are already in the process of developing another relationship in which case I be cautious. A relationship waiting in the wings towards the end of a marriage or one quickly begun is vulnerable. The intense, pent up need people have felt coupled with the many other demands made by the divorce are stressful and can affect one’s judgment. Relationships used for anesthesia tend to be brief. Where to start? Pay attention to those things you hated hearing from your former spouse, the ones repeated until you knew they were coming. Ask friends if they might have had a legitimate point. Review past relationships and sort through the nasty bits for patterns in the way others have responded to you. Ask the friends who’ll speak objectively about how they saw you contribute to dissatisfaction in the marriage. They may be honored by your trust and might even have wanted to say something for years but been too loyal or polite. Novels, movies, plays, television dramas and songs are also sources wherein you might spot the way you and your spouse related to one another. Talking with other divorced friends can be particularly useful. Venting is fine; just recognize it for what it is. Couples have reputations among other couples for how they treat each other, who’s respected or maligned, who strives to dominate, who avoids conflict and who foments it, who mistreats and who tolerates mistreatment or attacks s in passive ways. If you can do it the best source of information about how you relate in a marriage might be your former mate. This can be tricky and is likely to be possible only after some time has passed. If you believe you will be mistreated, mistreat them or recycle an old argument, don’t bother. Written communications are sometimes less passionate. They may have questions in return. The process of listening to each other in a new way while attempting to minimize judgment can be healing for both parties and also of great service to children if you have them. Psychotherapy can also be valuable for learning more about oneself, dealing with fears of starting again or simply managing the transition. It’s hard to tell if a pattern is being repeated in a new relationship until it is well along the way. Making a single meaningful discovery can change the course of one’s life.

Divorce

Listening to Your Ex

Posts